Principle 6: Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.
Happy are the merciful. -Matthew 5:7
Happy are the peacemakers. -Matthew 5:9
Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Do to others as you would have them do to you. -Luke 6:31
Up until this point in the recovery process, recovery has focused primarily on the personal side of our lives. This was achieved by admitting our powerlessness, turning our lives and wills over to God’s care, doing our moral inventory, sharing our sins or wrongs with another, and admitting our shortcomings and asking God to remove them.
In lesson 16, we are refocusing our recovery from our internal recovery to relational recovery, beginning the repair work necessary to improve our interpersonal relationships. Making amends is the beginning of the end of our isolation from God and others.
Keep in mind that step 8 only asks us to make a list of those we have harmed and to become willing to make amends. Some of us might need to ask God to give us that willingness to make amends, and that’s okay. Begin praying to Him about the process and ask Him for the willingness, strength, courage, and compassion needed to begin the amends process.
Additionally, step 8 asks us to make a list of those we need to forgive and become willing to forgive them. Just like with asking amends, some of us might not be ready to forgive those who have hurt us deeply. This step is only asking us to become willing to forgive. For those who don’t feel ready to forgive, begin seeking God in prayer and ask Him to soften your heart to begin the process of forgiving others.
Are amends necessary?
Many individuals question the necessity of making amends. If we have asked God for forgiveness, why should it matter what others think? The short answer to that question is simple- it doesn’t. Making amends isn’t for the person we have harmed, although it could offer healing for them as well. The purpose of amends is to clean out the guilt, shame, and pain that has caused past relationships harm.
Is forgiveness necessary?
Sometimes it can become easy for those who have been harmed by others to become comfortable playing the victim. As long as we stay in that role, we feel justified in our feelings of anger, pain, and perhaps even hatred. However, playing the victim is not healthy and it is not what God has called us to do.
Celebrate Recovery has reworded this step for victims of sexual/physical abuse:
Make a list of all persons who have harmed us and become willing to seek God’s help in forgiving our perpetrators, as well as forgiving ourselves. Realize we’ve also harmed others and become willing to make amends to them.
A life characterized by bitterness, resentment, and anger will kill you emotionally and shrivel your soul. They will product what CR calls the “Three Ds”: depression, despair, and discouragement. Hanging onto unforgiveness will always cause more harm to yourself than to the person who wronged you.
Should amends be made to everyone?
The second part of principle 6 says to “…make amends for harm I’ve done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.” Sometimes making amends would cause more harm than good to individuals we have harmed. If in doubt, consider talking to your sponsor or accountability partner regarding the best course of action.
If making amends or offering forgiveness is not practical (if the person is deceased or you have decided it would cause harm to them), there are ways to express yourself without the reciprocity of the other person. The best way to do this is through writing a letter. Even though the letter will never be read by the other person, it is a great way to express your feelings. Once the letter is written, consider sharing it with your sponsor or accountability partner, then burning or destroying it in some way as visual reinforcement that the process has been completed and you no longer need to carry its burden any more.
1. Admit the hurt and the harm
It’s important to face the hurts, resentments, and wrongs other have caused you, or wrongs that you have caused others. Holding on to resentments will both block your recovery and block God’s forgiveness.
Do not judge others, and God will not judge you; do not condemn others, and God will not condemn you; forgive others, and God will forgive you. -Luke 6:37
2. Make a list
In your inventory, column 1 should have a list of people whom you need to forgive, and column 5 should have a list of people to whom you owe amends. Consider any others that you might need to add. At this point, don’t worry about how to make amends or how to forgive- simply ensure that the list is as accurate as possible and prepare your heart to be willing to begin the process.
Treat others as you want them to treat you. -Luke 6:31
3. Encourage one another
Before beginning the process, be sure to meet with your sponsor or accountability partner. They will be able to offer insight and encouragement, as well as an objective outlook to ensure your motives stay true.
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. -Hebrews 10:24
4. Not for them
Don’t expect anything in return. Focusing only on your part, offer amends or forgiveness with the goal of freedom from your own issues. Just as God is kind and gracious toward us, we need to be kind and gracious toward others.
Love your enemies and do good to them, lend and expect nothing back. -Luke 6:35
5. Do it at the right time
When it comes to this step, timing is key. Before moving forward, ask God for His guidance, direction, and timing. Not only does the timing need to be right for you, but it is imperative that it be right for the other person.
This is a hard process, and it’s important not to use timing as an excuse not to proceed. Don’t wait until you feel like making amends or offering forgiveness- that feeling may never come! I never feel like going to the dentist to get a cavity filled, but I know that if I don’t, I will only have more pain and suffering ahead. We might have to proceed with this step even if we don’t feel like it. That’s okay, because we are moving forward in obedience to God’s Word and trusting that our obedience will result in an improvement in our well-being.
In humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. -Philippians 2:3-4
6. Start living the promises of recovery
As we go through the process of making amends and offering forgiveness, we will experience freedom from our past. The peace and serenity that we have been yearning for will begin to seep into our lives, and we will begin to have a brighter outlook on ourselves and our future. Joel 2:25 says, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.”
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. -Romans 12:18
